Thursday, August 15, 2013

TTC: Epiphany

Let me say this journey has once again gone negative.  So we have to regroup and prepare to "try again"... which of course leads me down a road of obsessive "What could I have done to make it work?" thinking.  Which I did a lot of yesterday while shutting out my husband.  Sometimes, I am pretty silly unintentionally.  Getting out of my own head can be hard.

Today - I had a lightbulb moment that almost knocked me over.  I have been making this even harder than it has to be.

You see, I was - and have been for a few months - obsessing about the weight I've gained in the past couple years.  Between that and the inability to conceive, I've (in the back of my mind) been constantly berating and negating myself.  MH keeps asking me if I 'know I'm beautiful'.  I tell him thank you and that I'm glad he feels that way - but the truth is - No, I don't know that.  He's not the first person to say that to me, but I have never believed that.

For a performer, that's kind of ridiculous, right?  Maybe that's why I can be such a great character actor but anything approaching who I really am causes me to freeze up.  The psych major in me is slapping her forehead and saying, "Really?  Classic."  But sometimes, it's the obvious issues that are the biggest stumbling blocks, right?  The funny thing is, when it comes to my FT job (Graphic Design) I have none of these hangups - total confidence - because my talent has never been in question.  Just the vessel that carries it...

When you're TTC, self-esteem doesn't seem that important - after all, it's all about the new life and your family, right?  It's much easier to focus on everyone else.  But the more you try and fail, it gets harder and harder to pull yourself up and be hopeful.  Why?  Because, for right now, it really is all about you.  It's about the body and all its parts that will carry a life.  From the emotional and mental to the physical, all those little things you've pushed aside so you can move forward are suddenly sitting on the end of the bed staring at you. 

This doesn't mean you can't get pregnant and have a child - people do it all the time.   Healthy emotional and mental states aren't required for procreation normally, just look around and that's self-evident.  But the physical is often tied to our emotional state and when you're struggling that connection is even more prevalent. 

So today I realized, I need to stop being my own worst enemy.  All the negative inner thoughts, which I honestly hadn't realized I was doing, must cease.   I am capable of being a mother in every sense and eventually the timing will be right, the physical will be right and it will happen.

Now I need to make sure I have the rest of me ready for that. 

Will I still obssess over weight?  Yes, I'm female.  But I'm going to stop beating myself up and go back to making better choices based on what my body needs vice what my brain and emotions tell me I want.  What happens will happen.  I'm just going to make myself happy for once.

Will I still worry about being able to conceive?  Yes.  But I have the body I have and didn't give myself PCOS and anemia, it's a fact of life.  So the best I can do is manage it, look at the positives, and continue doing the best I can with what I have.  Complaining, blaming, or wallowing never improved anything.

Is it going to be easy?  Hahahahha.  No, but then most things in life worth having never are - and peace, joy and freedom from personal baggage are definitely worth having.

Maybe my kid will end up with a less neurotic parent after all...

...Or we'll just be be like everyone else.

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