Something about this process is more mentally draining than tacking the toughest situation at work. I'm not entirely sure if it's the trying NOT to worry, plan or research or absorbing all the information when you finally break down and do one or all three of those.
This round, as the last was not a success, will be IUI. I'm trying not to be superhopeful and to divorce my emotions from the process as much as possible. I don't know that it will make the disappointment and heartbreak less or the joy dimmed if there is a positive outcome, but it might keep me sane.
Occassionally I wander by the baby section of Target. I call it research when in fact I know it's just longing and trying to psych myself into postive thinking. I'm not sure it's healthy, but I'm not sure what else to do. All around me friends are getting pregnant, giving birth, or going on about their recent new additions to the family. I am thrilled for them, but with every happy post, email or picture - I wonder if I'm doomed.
I mean, I know it's illogical that there are only a certain number of allowable happy moments in a circle of friends, but it does seem to come in waves. I wonder incessantly if I'll be alone on my island when my time comes. My friends will all have kids and be basically uninterested in my news - life-changing for me, but old hat for them, right? I'll be happy no matter what, but it's something I wonder about.
I also find myself reluctant to visit friends with newborns or young infants. I'm so happy when I'm there holding them and being with my friends, but the drive home is often filled with tears and dread.
None of that can be good when you're on the TTC journey, right?
Thankfully, I have a cousin who is going through this process at the same time as I am. Having her to talk to about the ridiculous stuff is great. She understands the irony in losing all sense of modesty after the nth time plopping up on a table and allowing someone to shove a wand up *there* and check you out. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a week. When I mention the new shot caused a burning sensation, she knows exactly what I'm talking about.
We can chuckle over our husbands dislike of certain aspects of the treatment (see: needles) and mourn together when a cycle is unsuccessful.
Remaning as positive and hopeful as possible, and avoiding worry are key, but difficult. Having support, the occasional visit to the stroller aisle, and remembering to laugh are vital. It will keep you sane.