Thursday, June 13, 2013

Thursday Tickler: And that's how the fight started

You may have seen these before, I had not - but even if you are rereading them - I think you'll still get a chuckle!  Enjoy and may none of your marriages be anything like this!

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.  When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed. ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife. ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And that’s when the fight started.....
My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?” I replied “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started.....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And that’s how the fight started.....
 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds‘.  
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s how the fight started.....
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No’, she answered...
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes’.  
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend’. 
And that’s when the fight started....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that’s when the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning... the start of a REALLY bad day! The other driver got out of his car and he was a DWARF!!!  He looked up at me, and said,  ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And that’s when the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself’.  
And that’s when the fight started.....
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
 I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
And that's how the fight started...
The other morning I thought I would slip out of the house without my wife knowing and go fishing. I woke at about 4am, got dressed, got all my fishing gear and silently slipped out to my garage.
As I raised the garage door I noticed it was raining and the wind was blowing about 50 MPH. So, I slipped back into the house, undressed, and carefully slipped back into bed.
I rolled over and hugged my wife as she laid on her side, back towards me – a new plan in mind. I softly whispered in her ear, “The weather out there is pretty frightful".
She then replied, “I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out in that fishing?"
.........And that's how the fight started.
There was this guy who had just reached retirement age and he went down to the social security office to sign up. When he walked up to the front desk the woman asked to see his driver’s license.
Just then the guy realized that he had forgotten his wallet and would have to return home to get it. The lady behind the desk then asked the guy to unbutton his shirt. The guy did, revealing a thick gray hairy chest.
The woman then said that seeing all that gray chest hair was good enough for her, so she signed the guy up on his social security.
When the guy got home he happily told his wife what had happen.
The wife smiled and then said, “You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too".
........and that's how the fight started.
There was this couple that had been married for ten years, but the husband always insisted on having sex with the lights off.
One night while the couple was involved in some wild and passionate sex, the wife reached over and flipped the lights on.
That's when she shockingly saw that the husband was using a 'sex toy'.
Angrily the wife shouted,' All these years and you have been using a sex toy! Explain yourself!!'
The husband looked at her and said,' I'll explain the sex toy, just as soon as you explain the three kids!'
..........and, that's how the fight started.
A man and a woman were asleep at 3:00 am like two innocent babies. Suddenly, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed scared and jumped naked out the window. He landed in a thorn bush, and then ran to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And that’s when the fight started…
So I said to my wife “what would you do if we won the lottery”?
“I’d take half of it and leave you”, she said.
“Well, I won ten bucks today; here’s your five; see ya!” I replied..
..And that’s how the fight started...
A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
“I would love to.” replied the husband. “But I don’t know her well enough.”.....
.....and that’s how the fight started.

No comments: