5. Chores: Even if you've lived together before, I've spoken with other couples and discovered this is a common issue. When you're dating or even living together, you're still doing a little extra to make it all work. Sometimes you do things and think, "Of course, once we're married - this will be something we both do." Uh - nope. And you actually need to discuss in detail the chores you expect the other person to do. Why? Because there is NOTHING more frustrating than assuming your spouse will (of course) come and help you clean the kitchen after that lovely meal you slaved over - and find he's content to go play video games on his phone while he waits for you. Side note for spouses: Helping out - sure way to make your spouse happy and open to anything else you want, Not helping out - sure way to make sure they are feeling unappreciated and over time build up resentment to your lack of willingness to help. Knowing that he HATES washing dishes will make you feel better about his not helping, especially if he's willing to take on the toilets you depsise cleaning in return.
4. Time and Space Needs: If either of you is the type of person that needs to decompress after work or has a specific ritual to help you feel ready to face the rest of your day - discuss that before marriage. Coming home to find her on the phone with her friends for two hours venting about her day (hey, at least you don't have to hear all the gossip, right?) or finding him working out oblivious to all else for several hours listening to anger music at high decibels might be a problem. Knowing that in stressful situations, your spouse may turn green and break things or sit in the dark with a tub of Ben and Jerry's and cry is something you don't want to discover after the I Do's. While most people don't have situations this drastic, you might find yourself married to an aloof stranger unused to sharing their feelings and the stressful situations. Or you might find someone with short temper who takes everything as a criticism in your bed. None of that is fun and can be mitigated to some extent through conversation. Side note for spouses: Asking "What can I do to make this situation better for you?" is much more productive than "What is your problem today?" After all, remembering this person is someone you love over and above any behavioral issues is key!
3. Language Barrier: Not only to men and women think differently, but even in same-sex relationships - two individuals may vary wildly in their thinking patterns. Likewise, everyone was raised differently and tends to speak to others in different ways. Things that were funny in your household may truly offend the person you love. Short quippy answers may be efficient in your mind, but can be taken as snippy or sarcastic. Being aware of your spouses ticks and annoyance in language can avoid a LOT of fights. Inadvertently, we can hurt one another just in passing. Now, there are those people that object and say, "Why should I have to tiptoe around this person? They are supposed to love me for me." Well, that's true and I'm sure they do (which is why they are still around) but taking care with the things and people we value most should not be something we object to, no matter how irrational we may find the situation. Side note for spouses: Sometimes saying it outloud to yourself and considering all the ways the phrasing COULD be taken is useful. If you find yourself shooting off an answer before thinking it through (and I am guilty of this), sometimes taking a moment to consider exactly what you're saying is all it takes. Marriage experts I've spoken to (meaning those people who've made it 30 years or longer together) say it gets easier over time. You pick up on the verbal and nonverbal cues that guide you through the landmine some conversations can become - or learn to avoid them altogether. So that's something to look forward to, right?!
2. Our time, your time and their time: Different from the time and space needs, understanding how your spouse expects your collective time to be spent is important. From the common "Where do we spend the holidays?" to "Whose friends get us this weekend?" to "I'm going to spend some time alone with my friends and you should make other plans?", there is a range of situations to consider. It can even extend to extracurricular activities, work time and community service expectations. We may assume our spouse will fold into our life habits when in fact, they may be expecting you to give up something you've done for a long time. Example: My husband told me he wanted to get back into running. I thought this was great and was very encouraging. (One of us should be a health nut, right?) I had no idea this meant running random 5K events and working up to running marathons. I also didn't know how much additional exercise and running time it would incur. I don't have a problem with any of it, but I've learned I need to know when the events are coming (so we can plan around them where possible) and that I would rather he do the running / exercise when I'm not home - because I am gone so much for work, we get limited time together as it is. Now, throughout our marriage we will come into these kinds of issues, from my acting on the side ("You have ANOTHER show??") to the races to events for the kids - it's all manageable if we know what to expect. He doesn't care about my acting - to a point, but he misses me and wants me to be home a certain amount of the year. Deal! I don't care about his races, so long as they don't occur on important dates (like birthdays and anniversaries). Deal! We're still working out the holidays issues and external expectations on our new family, but discussing it in advance seems to be the way do go. Side note for spouses: Make the decision together and stick to it. It's easy to let parents or other important people in our lives influence our decisions, but remember your spousal relationship has to come first. Once you take a stance, everyone will respect and adjust. It's life! Why is this ranked at #2? Because adjusting to personal time and space needs becomes normal and acceptable for a couple, but upsetting familial traditions or upsetting people we love and respect can be much harder. Those situations can lead to huge fights and irreparable tears in relationships if not handled with care.
1. Eye on the Prize: Most of these revolve around expectation management, but this particular issue is far more fundamental to your relationship. Both parties have to be moving towards the same goals at the same time and the same rate of speed. Knowing where your spouse feels you are headed, if you're on track and if you're accomplishing things in the right way is vital. When you're working on a common goal, your values are aligned. If one person becomes sidetracked by a distraction of the moment (work, kids, house, etc.) and starts to veer another way, this can become a problem. Starting out with a clear path is super-important and constantly checking in to make sure someone's vision hasn't changed will keep things more harmonious. Now, when someone does want to change the plan - that has to be discussed. If things are sacrosanct those should be outlined before walking down the aisle. Having children, where you want to live, faith-based decisions and the like can make or break a relationship. Side note for spouses: Knowing when one of these has changed for you and speaking up to your spouse won't be easy, but it should be done sooner rather than later. For the relationships I've known personally that have failed, this has been the underlying problem for each and every one. Someone's eye was on a different prize and the other had no idea.
Now I'm no marriage expert, I'm learning as we go along. Every day there's a new success or frustration, but we are still in step and in love. Here's hoping you have the same wonderful experiences!
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