Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Office Post-It Notes I'll Never Leave

DisgruntledMinorityEmployees(You know who you are!) please stop spending half your day whining about how "they" will never let you get ahead. That is bullshit. We work in a government office run by a woman who promotes initiative and autonomy. Obviously if you actually showed either of these skills, you'd move up in the world. Tired of doing admin paper pushing? Prove you can do more and stop complaining, the rest of "us" don't seem to have a problem.

Mr. ICanDoEverything please stop coming by my desk to inform me that you're working on that project as well. Yes, I'm sure you can do everything and the rest of us are all unnecessary members of the team. After all, you're an engineer. We all know, you've mentioned it - repeatedly. However, if you tried not living by the motto "Jack of All Trades, Master of None", you might actually meet a deadline and not continue slipping our schedule to the right.

Imelda Marcos, I have no idea what you do for this government agency, but damn you have nice shoes. This isn't a complaint because I would raid your closet in a heartbeat. I like the fact that they match your designer suits and jeans as well. How much ARE we paying you senior government employees?

Hey, Mr. Smiles, you are scary. I'm pretty certain you're gay but the weird flirting, smiling and constant compliments freak me out. Please stop. I'm sure I speak for all the women in the office. If you're actually straight and that is your method of flirting, I have a really good idea why you're single.

Ms. I'mASmall-ISwear, it's time to admit you should be wearing clothing a size, possibly two sizes larger. You're spending a lot of money on nice clothing that fits you like the local hoochie mama. Either go on a diet and stick to it or dress for the size you actually are. This is not a judgement on whether or not you're fat, because I certainly need to hit the gym. This is simply a friendly advice that every bulge doesn't have to be outlined (along with your underwear), if you were not squeezing into clothing that is too small.

TheTeleconTrio who sit in the offices around mine may not have noticed the cubicle/offices don't have walls that go to the ceiling. Thus we can hear everything you say in your "private" offices. When you are all on the same telecon on speakerphone, we can hear that too. In stereo. STOP IT! Are you all really too lazy to walk 3 feet or less and sit in one office?

Ms. SupportMyKids - How many children do you have? Honestly, we buy cookies, pizzas, wrapping paper, flowers, candles, etc. all year round supporting their various events. I thought you only had three kids. When do they have time to study with all these extra-curricular activities we're supporting? Seriously, I think some family time might be in order. Or jobs. 

Lastly, Ms. Stairwell, I know you don't work in my office, just on my floor, but I didn't want to slight you. You'll never live down your "friendship" with your coworker. Everyone in the building knows you two are involved despite apparently being married to other people. After being caught literally on your knees and apparently in the car at lunch, I want to give you kudos for walking around with your head held high. Just remember to wipe your mouth after meal, no one wants to see that.

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