The first question a designer asks is, "What's the message you're trying to convey?" or "What's the story we're telling?" It doesn't matter if it's graphic design, interior design, cake design, event design - all design is meant to convey a look and feel that supports a message.
Unintentional design does the same thing.
Remember that college dorm room with the clothing all over, food cartons and bags in random places, the discarded beer bottle or twelve mixed in with stacks of books and projects? Remember your impressions of that person? Was it you? Sometimes, it was me. For as OCD as I can be about cleanliness and organization, when I get wrapped in a project - something suffers. I stop cooking and eat crappy food or forget to make the bed (read: choose not to in rebellion to my childhood!)
As I've gotten older and my professional career has grown, my habits and outlook have changed. I can't function if there isn't cursory cleanliness and organization. I may still eat out, but there is no trash left behind or I eat somewhere I can sit down and brainstorm. My clothing has its own management system so I always wear something that's clean, color coordinated and easy to access. (There are women who have color coded their wardrobes while separating the tops, bottoms, and dresses respectively. That's my goal when I finally have a closet big enough!)
Why the big change?
I had to change the message my life design was conveying. I'm still the artist that gets lost in her craft, but I have tools in place now to keep my life looking controlled and professional. It's taken a while to get there, but the look and feel matter.
Recently, I have been helping an acquaintance plan a family event. She has a general sense of "what she wants the event to be like" for her guests, but no actual theme or design plan. There was some random looking at Pinterest and other DIY sites and magazines, but as these ideas were being oohed and aahed - I asked that important base question, "What's the story we're telling?"
It wasn't just a family reunion, it was the return of a family member that for reasons that don't matter here has been out of the family bower for many years. They have changed their life and are coming back - the family wants to give a "big welcome" but not "overwhelm" the prodigal family member. The original plans had included renting out a fancy restaurant and making a huge spectacle of the person. Not that making a spectable was the intent, but it would have been the outcome. Also, considering what the person has been through as well as some of the family background, the outright lavishness of the event would have been off-putting. The family discussed it as length and later came back with an alternate plan to have the event at someone's home.
As we discussed the location (an uncle's large home) and budget, it became clear what kind of event would allow the entire family to be involved - which was a big part of the message. Everyone wanted to do something to show their love.
We continue planning, not worried about colors or a specific theme. I've been struck, in our conversations, how important proper planning of even a seemingly simple event like this can be. The outcome of the event can either frighten the person into hiding, or give them access to an incredible support system in a positive manner.
So the girl who used to not "care what people thought" (and in some ways, still doesn't) has learned to control what people see to shape their perceptions. I'm still the same girl - much like the the event above still has the same people involved - but everything in my life has been adjusted according to the story I'm trying to tell about my life.
What does the look and feel of your life say? How much of it is intentionally designed?
As someone once said to me, "You can't control other people's perception, but you can control what they see to perceive."
Friday, June 7, 2013
Forks in the Road
"The Road Less Travelled"
"The Winding Road"
"The Narrow Path"
These, and many more, are terms used to describe the 'Road / Path of Life'. They reference taking chances and making your own way. While important themes, rarely is referenced the fact that most people don't stay on the same road for very long.
Throughout your life, you come to points where you have to make a hard decision. I'm not talking about cutting your hair or even changing jobs, but decisions that affect the fabric of who you are intimately. Sometimes it involves having a confrontation or intervention with a family member to address an issue that affects everyone. Perhaps you decide to give up a habit or make a life change that will make you healthier / unhealthier, but will certainly change your attitude and personality. It can be something like choosing a certain group of friends and not making the effort to keep or include others at a pivotal development point. Regardless of the situation, the choice is something irrevocable. There's no going back to the way things are - no matter how hard you try to undo the choice. Even if it's a mistake that you later make right, it does not erase the happenings in between.
Those moments are forks in the road. They are rarely planned and, if made in haste or poor judgement, can turn you from a future you currently desire. Which leaves you trying to get back on track or adjusting your plans.
I have recently had a number of these moments, mostly positive, occur in my life. However in the past week or two, I've had one situation that has become more prominent every day that is decidedly negative. Someone I have considered a friend for over half my life has taken advantage of a family member. The actions were over time and not malicious, but instead careless and self-centered, but the damage is the same. Because I was not directly involved, initially I stayed out of things, but recently the situation became something I could no longer ignore.
I have cried and grieved over the confrontation I feel I must have with this person. I feel certain it will mean the end of a relationship I have valued for a very long time, but ultimately - I can't be ok with calling someone friend who would disrespect me and my family by behaving so callously. The Christian in me keeps saying, "Perhaps this is their valley and they need the support and love more than the condemnation." How, in that case, do I reconcile it with my love and support of my family?
I'm still working on the way forward, but I look around and think, "Wouldn't it be nice if someone addressed moments like these and gave you a quick quip to tell you what to do?" There is no doubt that this will change me and my view on friendships going forward, not to mention my raising of children and what I teach them going forward. I am risking the removal of part of my support system that has been with me for a long time. Until recently, that relationship was a balanced give and take where we emotionally and mentally were there for one another. All life experiences impact us - but making the right decision in these situations can be challenging. Knowing the outcome will be painful adds a special stress to the situation.
As I go forward I think about my father and all the advice he's ever given me. The one that sticks out with me the most right now is, "Doing the right thing and the easy thing are not the same thing. Doing the right thing will never lead you astray."
Now I just have to figure out what exactly that is...
"The Winding Road"
"The Narrow Path"
These, and many more, are terms used to describe the 'Road / Path of Life'. They reference taking chances and making your own way. While important themes, rarely is referenced the fact that most people don't stay on the same road for very long.
Throughout your life, you come to points where you have to make a hard decision. I'm not talking about cutting your hair or even changing jobs, but decisions that affect the fabric of who you are intimately. Sometimes it involves having a confrontation or intervention with a family member to address an issue that affects everyone. Perhaps you decide to give up a habit or make a life change that will make you healthier / unhealthier, but will certainly change your attitude and personality. It can be something like choosing a certain group of friends and not making the effort to keep or include others at a pivotal development point. Regardless of the situation, the choice is something irrevocable. There's no going back to the way things are - no matter how hard you try to undo the choice. Even if it's a mistake that you later make right, it does not erase the happenings in between.
Those moments are forks in the road. They are rarely planned and, if made in haste or poor judgement, can turn you from a future you currently desire. Which leaves you trying to get back on track or adjusting your plans.
I have recently had a number of these moments, mostly positive, occur in my life. However in the past week or two, I've had one situation that has become more prominent every day that is decidedly negative. Someone I have considered a friend for over half my life has taken advantage of a family member. The actions were over time and not malicious, but instead careless and self-centered, but the damage is the same. Because I was not directly involved, initially I stayed out of things, but recently the situation became something I could no longer ignore.
I have cried and grieved over the confrontation I feel I must have with this person. I feel certain it will mean the end of a relationship I have valued for a very long time, but ultimately - I can't be ok with calling someone friend who would disrespect me and my family by behaving so callously. The Christian in me keeps saying, "Perhaps this is their valley and they need the support and love more than the condemnation." How, in that case, do I reconcile it with my love and support of my family?
I'm still working on the way forward, but I look around and think, "Wouldn't it be nice if someone addressed moments like these and gave you a quick quip to tell you what to do?" There is no doubt that this will change me and my view on friendships going forward, not to mention my raising of children and what I teach them going forward. I am risking the removal of part of my support system that has been with me for a long time. Until recently, that relationship was a balanced give and take where we emotionally and mentally were there for one another. All life experiences impact us - but making the right decision in these situations can be challenging. Knowing the outcome will be painful adds a special stress to the situation.
As I go forward I think about my father and all the advice he's ever given me. The one that sticks out with me the most right now is, "Doing the right thing and the easy thing are not the same thing. Doing the right thing will never lead you astray."
Now I just have to figure out what exactly that is...
Marriage Files #103: Thought Patterns
One of the things I've been struggling with is changing my thought patterns. I know I'm a wife and totally committed to my marriage, but I still haven't changed my name. I've started the paperwork, but haven't finished it. Why? Normally, I like to get stuff over with so it's not sitting on my "To-Do" list - so why can't I just get this done?
Then, my husband and I still have separate finances. Money is such a hard subject for me. I've been extremely poor at times and have worked so hard to be where I am that even though I know it's ridiculous, I struggle with turning over everything to a joint fund. To be fair, my husband hasn't asked me to, but in my heart - I know that's what's probably best. I just, once again, can't quite get there.
The problem, I think, is that for all that we happily live as a couple, make decisions together, and have joined our schedules and futures - I still think like a single person on certain topics. Part of me keeps struggling not to lose my own identity as I become part of a new creation.
I'm not entirely certain what to do in this situation except continue to work on it and pray about it, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who has entertained the same struggles. So, here's me reaching out, if you have advice or thoughts - feel free to send them my way.
To my wonderful husband, I continue to thank you for your patience and willingness to let me figure things out as we go along.
Then, my husband and I still have separate finances. Money is such a hard subject for me. I've been extremely poor at times and have worked so hard to be where I am that even though I know it's ridiculous, I struggle with turning over everything to a joint fund. To be fair, my husband hasn't asked me to, but in my heart - I know that's what's probably best. I just, once again, can't quite get there.
The problem, I think, is that for all that we happily live as a couple, make decisions together, and have joined our schedules and futures - I still think like a single person on certain topics. Part of me keeps struggling not to lose my own identity as I become part of a new creation.
I'm not entirely certain what to do in this situation except continue to work on it and pray about it, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who has entertained the same struggles. So, here's me reaching out, if you have advice or thoughts - feel free to send them my way.
To my wonderful husband, I continue to thank you for your patience and willingness to let me figure things out as we go along.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The house that sadists built: Selling
So a little over a week ago, we got the surprising news that an offer was being made on the house. (Hallelujah chorus begins)
Said offer was 8.9k less than our listed price.
(Awwss... chorus still plays, but more quietly)
However it is a cash offer with only the standard home inspection contingeny.
(Resume chorus at full strength)
We take the offer (with a quickness) and only ask for a slightly more realistic settlement date so we have time to move out.
(dancing!)
The buyer agrees and arranges for an inspection the next day. Turns out, he's an investor with staff. We don't care - we're free!
(Holy Ghost Dancing? Why yes, thank you!)
After the inspection, the buyer is "surprised" to "discover" that we don't have AC in the almost 40 year old house. Something clearly stated in our listing, by the realtors, and in the contract THE BUYER drew up and sent to us when he made the offer.
(Record rips to a stop. Foot tapping commences)
We suspect he's trying to get a lower price. We go back and forth for days, but ultimately it's still a competitive bid and it's cash. We begrudgingly accept his new counteroffer but are informed that was a verbal offer (still legal in VA) but we haven't seen a signed contract. I am starting to smell something rotten.
It's this house!
However, we still have tiny spurts of hope that this will still turn out to be a solid sale. We were so closed to being free...
Said offer was 8.9k less than our listed price.
(Awwss... chorus still plays, but more quietly)
However it is a cash offer with only the standard home inspection contingeny.
(Resume chorus at full strength)
We take the offer (with a quickness) and only ask for a slightly more realistic settlement date so we have time to move out.
(dancing!)
The buyer agrees and arranges for an inspection the next day. Turns out, he's an investor with staff. We don't care - we're free!
(Holy Ghost Dancing? Why yes, thank you!)
After the inspection, the buyer is "surprised" to "discover" that we don't have AC in the almost 40 year old house. Something clearly stated in our listing, by the realtors, and in the contract THE BUYER drew up and sent to us when he made the offer.
(Record rips to a stop. Foot tapping commences)
We suspect he's trying to get a lower price. We go back and forth for days, but ultimately it's still a competitive bid and it's cash. We begrudgingly accept his new counteroffer but are informed that was a verbal offer (still legal in VA) but we haven't seen a signed contract. I am starting to smell something rotten.
It's this house!
However, we still have tiny spurts of hope that this will still turn out to be a solid sale. We were so closed to being free...
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